Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Top 25 Quotes of Jersey Shore

Let me preface this entry by saying that I normally don't watch reality TV. I despise it actually. It's an epidemic, and I believe it's the number one cause for the dumbing down of America. That being said, the following is a total contradiction of everything I normally believe in. So here it goes:

Jersey Shore might be the most entertaining television I've seen in a long, long time. I stumbled upon it by sheer accident flipping through the channels one night. I see your typical Guido (the Blowout, fake tan, shirtless) explaining his typical hair routine. Yes, his daily 20 minute hair routine. Anyway, he was about to take off to the Jersey Shore and he had an entire suitcase dedicated to his hair gel and 'product'. From this moment on I was completely and utterly hooked.

I could go on forever about how great this show is and how this might be the best reality show cast ever assembled, but I'd probably just embarrass myself. I'll let the quotes speak for themselves. Enjoy, and please don't judge me.

[Remember we are using the Jersey dialect, please drop the r's from the end of any word.]

25. "Yeah, we smushed."

"So these girls are comin' wit us, but then we notice these two girls in a convertible. So we immediately run ova to the car, it's like a reflex."
-Pauly D

"I feel like this job's beneath me...I don't have to do what I don't want to do. I'm a bartenda, I do, like, ya know, great things."
-Angelina, just not cut out for her job at the t-shirt shop

"Well I'm dancin' there and someone grabs my arm...I look and its my friend, Mike. Me and Mike have hooked up before, so when I saw him at Headliners I was like 'oh shit', I'm gonna bring him home and I'm gonna get my fix."

21. "I'm not touchin' one dish, 'cuz I cooked a crazy meal and she had the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. Well ya know what? From now on your're excluded in the surf n' turf night. You're excluded in the ravioli night. You're excluded in the chicken cutlet night."
-The Situation

"That's why I don't eat freakin' lobster or anything like that, 'cuz they're alive when you kill 'em. That's disgusting."

"Everybody loves me. Babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars."
-The Situation

"That's what you get for puttin' a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye!"

"I had a feelin' where I wanted to make out with someone, so I just made out with Ryder, 'cuz all the guys like that."
, on why she was making out with her friend

"Well they’re Technic 1200 M5G’s…they’re not regula' turntables, they’re the best turntables you can buy."
-Pauly D, offended when Vinny asked if his turntables were "regular"

15. "Ronnie's in pure creep mode, so I'm like hell yeah, now we can go have some fun."
-Pauly D

"I was so angry I was just like, 'yeah, I'm gonna go creep on some girls'."

14. "So this guy who was hangin' out with me, that was buying me drinks, he's not really my type, but he was a funny guy. So I was like, you can walk me home, whatever. He's a really good guy. Like, he's the kinda guy I need in my life. I think his name was Ron."
-Snooki, talking about Russ

13. "They're cool girls, they're pretty smart and everything...but I think it'll take a couple times seein' 'em to hook up, they're not like whores."
-Pauly D

"There are some girls that strip off their clothes and jump in the jacuzzi, then there are some girls that are respectful, and you actually have to treat 'em like girls, human beings...and these were those girls."
-Vinny, talking about the same girls

12. "Pickles is my thing, like, and the boys always stare at me as I'm eatin' pickles 'cuz they're perverts and of course they're gonna joke about it. I eat my pickles a very specific way- I suck the juice out first."
-Snooki, while she's wearing a hat that reads 'Pornstar in training' and missing the irony completely...

11. "Basically, one of these girls was definitely more cuter than the other, and it happened to be my girl. Pauly D was with the grenade. When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case when a grenade gets thrown at you, um, ya know, one of your buddies takes it first."
-The Situation

"Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There's rules to it. Its like boys take care of boys. So like that's why I was willing to take one for the team, just so my boy could get some. And the Situation would do the same for me. But shit, my girl's busted."
-Pauly D

"I was takin' heavy fire and I wasn't wearin' my bullet proof vest. I just don't know if I'm gonna make it. So I decide to just flee the scene with my girl."
-The Situation, after he set Pauly D up the a 'grenade'

10. "First we start off bangin' the ground. We're bangin' it as the beat builds 'cuz that beat's hittin' us, so we're fightin' back. It's like we're beatin' up that beat."
-Pauly D

"I mean I'll break it down dancin'. I got my beats. I got my creepy patented move. I don't know where I learned to do this, I kinda just rock my shit out."

9. "Mike's like, 'Listen, I only wanna choke this one girl, can you get these two others out?' So I was like yeah, fine whatever."
, right before she got hit by the "hippo"

8. "I left the club early 'cuz I didn't wanna cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinkin' water."
-JWow, after she was grinding and making out with a roommate

"...um, Snookie even said it herself, we were dancin' to house music, and we were all battlin' on the floor. But if you wanna be like that, then I can't do it anymore."
-JWow, explaining to her boyfriend that grinding on and making out with a roommate is perfectly normal

"Yo, honestly like it was nothin' bad...it wasn't like frickin' RnB grindin' music, we were all like on the floor, like battlin', it was all house music."
-Snooki, explaining the situation to JWow's boyfriend

7. "You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"
-The Situation

6. “My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido."

5. "I would have tried to uppa-cut her, but at that point I had too many bouncer's on me. I wish I had like 3 more seconds to do her justice... I'm going back to New York where I take f**kin' shots with the [bar] owners after I beat bitches up."

"Good for you girl."
-Snooki's response

4. "My hair didn’ even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bullet proof, I’m not willing to try that."
-Pauly D

3. "How do you go in the jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini, that's a little bit more classier, if you're gonna wear anything at all, ya know what I mean?"

2. "A first impression's everything. So we gotta stay 'freshed-to-death', I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan...just fresh."
-Pauly D

"And after that you better be hittin' the gym. If you ain't there for an at least an hour that's a problem, 'cuz I'm there like an hour and a half, workin' on my fitness."

"First impressions are everything. Your bank account could be low but you always gotta look fresh."

1. “I was born and raised a Guido. It’s a lifestyle. It's about being Italian. It's representin' family, friends, tannin', gel ... everything. I got a tannin' bed in my place. That’s how serious I am about being a Guido.”
-Pauly D

It's fitting that Pauly D should have the one line that sums up an entire lifestyle. For those of you who watched the show regularly, I hope this brought back some good memories. For those of you who have never seen the show, I hope this has somewhat intrigued you.

But please, whatever you do, don't judge these people. They do what they know, and they do it well. They are a proud people, these self proclaimed 'guidos' and 'guidettes'. No longer are those names associated with stereotypical underachievers and delinquents. No longer do those names carry a negative connotation. They are now a source of pride.

I thank you- Ronnie, Pauly D, The Situation, Vinny, Sammie, Snooki, JWow, and Angelina. You have conveyed to millions of Americans the lifestyle we should all be envious of. Please, don't change now that you've got your 15 minutes of fame. Keep representing all that you hold dear- Italy, family, tannin', hair gel, and fist pumpin'- and you will continue to engage millions.

Here's to Season 2, may it be half as entertaining.

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