Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Top 25 Quotes of Jersey Shore

Let me preface this entry by saying that I normally don't watch reality TV. I despise it actually. It's an epidemic, and I believe it's the number one cause for the dumbing down of America. That being said, the following is a total contradiction of everything I normally believe in. So here it goes:

Jersey Shore might be the most entertaining television I've seen in a long, long time. I stumbled upon it by sheer accident flipping through the channels one night. I see your typical Guido (the Blowout, fake tan, shirtless) explaining his typical hair routine. Yes, his daily 20 minute hair routine. Anyway, he was about to take off to the Jersey Shore and he had an entire suitcase dedicated to his hair gel and 'product'. From this moment on I was completely and utterly hooked.

I could go on forever about how great this show is and how this might be the best reality show cast ever assembled, but I'd probably just embarrass myself. I'll let the quotes speak for themselves. Enjoy, and please don't judge me.

[Remember we are using the Jersey dialect, please drop the r's from the end of any word.]

25. "Yeah, we smushed."

"So these girls are comin' wit us, but then we notice these two girls in a convertible. So we immediately run ova to the car, it's like a reflex."
-Pauly D

"I feel like this job's beneath me...I don't have to do what I don't want to do. I'm a bartenda, I do, like, ya know, great things."
-Angelina, just not cut out for her job at the t-shirt shop

"Well I'm dancin' there and someone grabs my arm...I look and its my friend, Mike. Me and Mike have hooked up before, so when I saw him at Headliners I was like 'oh shit', I'm gonna bring him home and I'm gonna get my fix."

21. "I'm not touchin' one dish, 'cuz I cooked a crazy meal and she had the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. Well ya know what? From now on your're excluded in the surf n' turf night. You're excluded in the ravioli night. You're excluded in the chicken cutlet night."
-The Situation

"That's why I don't eat freakin' lobster or anything like that, 'cuz they're alive when you kill 'em. That's disgusting."

"Everybody loves me. Babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars."
-The Situation

"That's what you get for puttin' a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye!"

"I had a feelin' where I wanted to make out with someone, so I just made out with Ryder, 'cuz all the guys like that."
, on why she was making out with her friend

"Well they’re Technic 1200 M5G’s…they’re not regula' turntables, they’re the best turntables you can buy."
-Pauly D, offended when Vinny asked if his turntables were "regular"

15. "Ronnie's in pure creep mode, so I'm like hell yeah, now we can go have some fun."
-Pauly D

"I was so angry I was just like, 'yeah, I'm gonna go creep on some girls'."

14. "So this guy who was hangin' out with me, that was buying me drinks, he's not really my type, but he was a funny guy. So I was like, you can walk me home, whatever. He's a really good guy. Like, he's the kinda guy I need in my life. I think his name was Ron."
-Snooki, talking about Russ

13. "They're cool girls, they're pretty smart and everything...but I think it'll take a couple times seein' 'em to hook up, they're not like whores."
-Pauly D

"There are some girls that strip off their clothes and jump in the jacuzzi, then there are some girls that are respectful, and you actually have to treat 'em like girls, human beings...and these were those girls."
-Vinny, talking about the same girls

12. "Pickles is my thing, like, and the boys always stare at me as I'm eatin' pickles 'cuz they're perverts and of course they're gonna joke about it. I eat my pickles a very specific way- I suck the juice out first."
-Snooki, while she's wearing a hat that reads 'Pornstar in training' and missing the irony completely...

11. "Basically, one of these girls was definitely more cuter than the other, and it happened to be my girl. Pauly D was with the grenade. When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case when a grenade gets thrown at you, um, ya know, one of your buddies takes it first."
-The Situation

"Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There's rules to it. Its like boys take care of boys. So like that's why I was willing to take one for the team, just so my boy could get some. And the Situation would do the same for me. But shit, my girl's busted."
-Pauly D

"I was takin' heavy fire and I wasn't wearin' my bullet proof vest. I just don't know if I'm gonna make it. So I decide to just flee the scene with my girl."
-The Situation, after he set Pauly D up the a 'grenade'

10. "First we start off bangin' the ground. We're bangin' it as the beat builds 'cuz that beat's hittin' us, so we're fightin' back. It's like we're beatin' up that beat."
-Pauly D

"I mean I'll break it down dancin'. I got my beats. I got my creepy patented move. I don't know where I learned to do this, I kinda just rock my shit out."

9. "Mike's like, 'Listen, I only wanna choke this one girl, can you get these two others out?' So I was like yeah, fine whatever."
, right before she got hit by the "hippo"

8. "I left the club early 'cuz I didn't wanna cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eating ham and drinkin' water."
-JWow, after she was grinding and making out with a roommate

"...um, Snookie even said it herself, we were dancin' to house music, and we were all battlin' on the floor. But if you wanna be like that, then I can't do it anymore."
-JWow, explaining to her boyfriend that grinding on and making out with a roommate is perfectly normal

"Yo, honestly like it was nothin' bad...it wasn't like frickin' RnB grindin' music, we were all like on the floor, like battlin', it was all house music."
-Snooki, explaining the situation to JWow's boyfriend

7. "You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?"
-The Situation

6. “My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido."

5. "I would have tried to uppa-cut her, but at that point I had too many bouncer's on me. I wish I had like 3 more seconds to do her justice... I'm going back to New York where I take f**kin' shots with the [bar] owners after I beat bitches up."

"Good for you girl."
-Snooki's response

4. "My hair didn’ even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bullet proof, I’m not willing to try that."
-Pauly D

3. "How do you go in the jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini, that's a little bit more classier, if you're gonna wear anything at all, ya know what I mean?"

2. "A first impression's everything. So we gotta stay 'freshed-to-death', I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan...just fresh."
-Pauly D

"And after that you better be hittin' the gym. If you ain't there for an at least an hour that's a problem, 'cuz I'm there like an hour and a half, workin' on my fitness."

"First impressions are everything. Your bank account could be low but you always gotta look fresh."

1. “I was born and raised a Guido. It’s a lifestyle. It's about being Italian. It's representin' family, friends, tannin', gel ... everything. I got a tannin' bed in my place. That’s how serious I am about being a Guido.”
-Pauly D

It's fitting that Pauly D should have the one line that sums up an entire lifestyle. For those of you who watched the show regularly, I hope this brought back some good memories. For those of you who have never seen the show, I hope this has somewhat intrigued you.

But please, whatever you do, don't judge these people. They do what they know, and they do it well. They are a proud people, these self proclaimed 'guidos' and 'guidettes'. No longer are those names associated with stereotypical underachievers and delinquents. No longer do those names carry a negative connotation. They are now a source of pride.

I thank you- Ronnie, Pauly D, The Situation, Vinny, Sammie, Snooki, JWow, and Angelina. You have conveyed to millions of Americans the lifestyle we should all be envious of. Please, don't change now that you've got your 15 minutes of fame. Keep representing all that you hold dear- Italy, family, tannin', hair gel, and fist pumpin'- and you will continue to engage millions.

Here's to Season 2, may it be half as entertaining.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Observations from inside the NFC Championship

After being on a plane all day and landing at 4:30 in the afternoon, I was lucky enough to have a ticket and make it to the Dome on time. Here's a few things I observed:

1. Defense, defense, defense.
If you would have told me before the game that our
defense would be the only reason we won the game, I would've slapped you. It sounds too preposterous to be true. Our defense saved our offense? Blasphemy!

But our defense did save our offense. They played the game of their lives. Yes, we gave up 475 yards...but please realize, our defense was on the field the entire second half. Their tanks were empty, they were out of fumes, they had given everything, and yet, they were still flying towards the ball on every possession. Those guys deserve all the credit in the world.

We won, and we won with our defense. We have certainly come a long way. Game ball: DEFENSE.

2. Drew Brees was not Drew Brees. Overthrow after overthrow. A fumble that we were lucky enough to recover. (Almost) an interception thrown into triple coverage. This was not Drew Brees' best day. Even his pass to Devery Henderson in the corner of the endzone was thrown terribly high. He had an off day. But thankfully we can say so what.

Drew has had off days before. Everyone has them. But we are so used to him throwing the football on a dime that we start to panic when he has a not-so-great day. The good news: Drew doesn't have two "bad" games in a row.

3. What was with the playcalling? Did anyone else notice our second half playcalling? Run, run, throw on 3rd. Run, run, throw on 3rd. Hell, we started out overtime with two runs and were saved by a holding call on third down.

How many three-and-outs did we have? The playcalling got tremendously conservative. I love the fact that we stuck with the run, but c'mon, open up the play book a little. It reminded me of the good ole days when Bo Jackson's Hit & Run was the hottest game around. I think you had four plays to choose from. Deep pass, slant, run, kick...great stuff, but far from the Payton offense we're used to seeing.

And seriously, we're gonna try and get cute with a triple reverse? Or was it double? Whatever it was it was just stupid and led to a punt. Let's never call that play again unless we're playing Detroit...and winning by 21.

4. The officials have a love affair with Favre. I thought Dirk Nowitski could act, but good lord! All Favre had to do was the look at the officials and he would get a flag. I loved how he would crawl off the field like a sniper just blew off a limb and yet 30 seconds later he was back running around and throwing bullets.

Don't get me wrong. As Bobby Hebert would say, we beat a snot bubble out of Favre's head. But Brett, don't act for the officials, it's just obvious.

[For the record: the comparison between Favre and Nowitski is for entertainment purposes only. Nowitski is a woman.]

5. Just fall on the ball. How many turnovers did we miss because we tried to run with the ball instead of fall on it? As good as our D was at popping the ball out, they never really learned to just take what you can get.

Shanle's botched attempt sticks out the most. We would have had the ball right after we just scored. Our defense could have gotten some much needed rest. It would have been a huge momentum swing. But instead they get the ball back and score a few minutes later. That single play could have led to a blowout. But oh well, let's learn from it.

6. We may have gotten a little help from the football gods.
A Vikings' fumble right before the half after Reggie muffs a punt? Twelve men on the field with :19 seconds left? Both gifts, and I'll take them with open arms.

Pass interference on Dave Thomas? Of course I agree with the call, but I'm bias. (It was absolutely catchable). Did Robert Meachem catch that pass on the last drive? Of course he did, but if I'm wearing purple I'm not so sure.

The point is the Saints have historically been on the other side of those calls. No one would have been surprised if each of those calls go the other way. We'd have been pissed, but not surprised.

We may have gotten a little luck, but so what. I call it karma. We deserved this. No other team deserves this more. No other city deserves this more. No other quarterback deserves this more.

7. The "Who Dat Nation". I've bore witness to some great games in the Superdome. I was present at both of LSU's National Championships in the building. They came close.

The intensity of the fans never let down the entire game. My ears are still bleeding. I still can't speak. And when that ball left the foot of Hartley and split the uprights, well, it was the loudest noise I've ever heard. I'll compare it to putting your ear up against the engine of an F-18 running at full throttle. It was insane. I had goosebumps. I'm convinced the Superdome shifted off its foundation.

The post-game celebration was the best atmosphere I have ever witnessed. Grown men wept. I bear hugged about 50-60 complete strangers. Seriously- full embrace. As Lloyd Christmas would put it, "The tears flowed like wine." At that moment nothing else mattered. Everyone loved each other. Security guards danced with fans. Policemen outside lit up cigars. The entire city of New Orleans stopped and celebrated.

And as of a few minutes ago, the NOPD reported no violence before, after, or during the game. If that doesn't show you the Saints influence on the whole city than I don't know what will.

As for now, we have two weeks to bask in the Superbowl hype and all its glory.

Friday, January 22, 2010

What the Saints mean to New Orleans

Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Nola. The City that Care Forgot. Or my personal favorite, the Crescent City. The city is often fantasized about, and rightly so, but it has its fair share of problems too, all of which were present long before a category 4 hurricane ripped our levees open.

In order to live in New Orleans you have to have a much different set of priorities than most Americans. You can't let the little stuff bother you. Hence perhaps, the nickname the Big Easy. But it goes much further than that. You have to have an appreciation for great food, fascinating history, fine art, strange people and wonderful characters. We deal with crumbling roads, inept politicians, and the melting heat of August because the good always outweighs the bad. Living in New Orleans is an attitude more than anything else.

I write this because its hard for anyone who doesn't live here to fully appreciate or understand what Hurricane Katrina did to the people that lived here. Just like its hard for anyone to appreciate the full magnitude of Manhattan during 9/11, or Haiti these past few days. Not only were people's lives lost and homes destroyed, but most people lost everything they had ever owned. Imagine all of your photos or most prized possessions that have been in your family forever. Now imagine never being able to get them back. Not very cool, is it? Now imagine the rebuilding process. A bit daunting to say the least.

Most people were probably horrified at what they saw on their television sets during the days following Katrina. I can promise you no one was more horrified than the citizens of New Orleans. Not only were they devastated about their own property, but devastated because a city that loved, a city like no other on the whole face of the earth might be no longer. It's a scary thought.

But we have returned. And I venture to say that we're stronger than ever. How can this be? I'm a firm believer in always looking at the positive in any bad situation. If Katrina did anything, it exposed what most people have been ignoring or hiding for decades. We were forced not only to rebuild, but to rebuild and do it right this time. We're still far from perfect. Even far from good, but we're making steps in the right direction. This city is coming back. And its coming back because of the people that love it. Its coming back because of the people that can't imagine living anywhere else. Its coming back because of the people that can't imagine a world without New Orleans.

And it's coming back because of Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints. It's hard to imagine where we would be without them, and I thank God I don't have to. What these ambassadors have done for the city is immeasurable. I know it cliche to say, but oh well: The New Orleans Saints have given this city hope that it would have never gotten without them. Period.

Whether it was an act of God, karma, or just plain good luck is up for debate. But Drew Brees signing with the Saints is the most significant sports signing of all time. Not only did we get the best quarterback to ever play the game (alright, I'm a little bias...but seriously, do you watch him play?) but we got a hero in every sense of the word. He, Duece McAllister, Chris Paul, and countless other pro athletes have adopted this city as their second home, and it shows. Not one of them is doing it for the publicity. Not one of them is doing it for an SI cover. And that is probably the most meaningful thing about the whole damn thing. They genuinely care.

Brees, McAllister, Paul, Shockey, Colston, Bush, Payton, and countless other superstars lend their time, money, and heart to help the city. None of them owe us anything and yet they do nothing but represent the city the best way they can. All of these men (and any other superstar I forgot to mention) are the most humble men in the world. Why? How? Don't they know the power they possess? They do. And they use it for the greater good. They are the leaders of men.

So let's take a moment to imagine a Breesless Saints team. We go 5-11 in 2006. Maybe we get a new head coach and stick around the devastated city for one more year. Maybe we improve to 6-10. Then, like a bread pudding souffle in front of John Goodman, they're gone. The team is the San Antonio Saints, or the Los Angeles Saints. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. It's scary to think about.

But the stars did align. We got a brilliant head coach in Sean Payton who took a chance on a damaged quarterback with little more than a winning attitude. Drew Brees came into this ravage city and made a vow to himself and to the people that he would bring more than a Superbowl to this city. He vowed to bring pride, hope, and a new way to look at life. He is more than a quarterback, and the Saints are more than a professional football team. They are a hope and a way of life to the people that lost everything.

So you see, in a city where most people lost everything these hero's bring us the most important thing of all: inspiration. The great thing about inspiration is that it has a different meaning to everyone. Brees and these Saints, well, they just inspire. And that's not an easy thing to do. It means being a leader at all times. Never taking a day off. Always putting others first. Let's just say he's earned the name Breesus. He is more than an elite quarterback. He is an elite human being. And that's something everyone can appreciate.

What Brees and these athletes have done for New Orleans is unprecedented. When the Saints take the field they are more than just a football team. Another cliche, I know, but its true. They represent their city like no other professional team represents a city. When the Saints win, New Orleans wins. Please, tell me another instance where a few individuals have saved a way of life for millions. I can't think of one, and that's not to say that there hasn't been a situation like this before. But there has never been one that has hit so close to home. So this Sunday, when the Dome is shaking and your ears are about to bleed, just think of what could have been.

Signing off I'll leave you with one last thought. For the people who call New Orleans home, it's sometimes easy to get down. We have a long way to go. The task ahead of us is formidable and its going to take years. But we're heading in the right direction thanks to a few great men.

New Orleans will always be New Orleans. You take the good with the bad. But the Saints bring the place to another level. And especially when the Saints are winning, there's no other place on earth I'd rather be. Just imagine what its going to be like when we win the Superbowl.